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<title>you saw me start to believe for the first time by in_deepest_blue</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725153">you saw me start to believe for the first time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_deepest_blue/pseuds/in_deepest_blue'>in_deepest_blue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fushigi Yuugi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(both literally and figuratively), F/M, First Time, Healing Sex, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Pre-Canon, it's just that both characters have rape as part of their backstory, no actual rape or sexual assault in my fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:20:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>632</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725153</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_deepest_blue/pseuds/in_deepest_blue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Since childhood, they've equated sex with trauma, but tonight, they can pretend that it's their first time, for this is how it should've gone. A drabble about Soi and Nakago's first night.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nakago/Soi (Fushigi Yuugi)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you saw me start to believe for the first time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The first night that they sleep together, she’s positioned herself on top of him, when she notices that he is tense — he doesn’t realize it, but there are anxious quivers to his motions. Soi’s heard the rumors about him never having had a woman for a partner, but it couldn’t be… could it? The women in the palace must’ve practically thrown themselves at him, and he could’ve had anyone he’d desired. Still, she broaches the topic regardless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soi sits up. “Forgive my impudence, my lord, but… is this your first time bedding a woman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still lying on his back, Nakago grunts affirmatively in response, though there is no shame in his countenance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So the rumors are true, then…” In turn, there is no judgment in her tone, only incredulity. But then again...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll excuse me for being inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with a woman,” he says, his words dripping with icy sarcasm. “When your introduction to sex is one painful lesson after another, several years too early, it’s only natural to take no pleasure nor interest in it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soi bows her head, and murmurs, her voice soft and reassuring, “My apologies; it was never my intention to judge you. I was introduced to sex the same way. I only ask because I do not wish to push you. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I just thought... “ she trails off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Likewise, if you’re doing this to repay me once more, I told you: thanking me once was enough. You’ve already thanked me twice; there’s no need for a third time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to do this for you,” Soi insists. “I want to be by your side and take care of you, if you’ll let me. Consider this as not another ‘thank you,’ then, but a pledge of my support.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a brief, elusive moment, Soi catches Nakago off-guard; he looks as if he wants to say something else, but instead he deflects with, “And I wish to test how effective your chi-raising abilities are. It’s been a long day; my energy has been depleted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Soi is stunned at his pragmatism, she tries not to show it. “If you’re sure, then,” she begins. “Please relax, and leave it to me. I want to make things right for you. If there’s anything you don’t like, we can stop anytime.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As far as Soi is concerned, this is her first time, too, because for her, making love means bedding someone willingly. And until tonight, until leaving that horrible brothel, there’s no one she’s ever taken to bed on her own volition. Like Nakago, she’s never taken a lover, either, saving herself only for her blond-haired, blue-eyed knight in the hopes that she’d meet him again someday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so they pretend that this truly is their first time. It’s how their very first should’ve gone, at least: slow and gentle, slightly clumsy and awkward, but devoid of pain and fear—only surrendering into each other’s touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are no feelings involved on Nakago’s side; this is purely a healing ritual for him, and if he elicits a moan of pleasure, it’s simply because his body is responding to certain physical sensations. Soi knows that very well, yet she thanks the gods that he’s allowed himself to be vulnerable in her presence. She would’ve thought it a pipe dream to have the powerful vice-shogun of Kutou beneath her, but she tries not to question this stroke of good fortune, instead resolving to make the most of the trust he’s placed in her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, though the words go unsaid, as their bodies writhe and meld into each other, a silent vow is exchanged between the pair: </span>
  <em>
    <span>I want to believe that with you, things will be different.</span>
  </em>
</p>
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